On a Thread
Softly softly
Pierced by a roar
In 11:35 darkness, damp with the smell of cigarette butts and
Silence again. Footsteps on the platform
Echo as doors again lock hands
An eye to the uptown entry
Fresh falsetto and a father's alto
Woven tight as cross stitched corduroys
A bundle in his bear arms
"Down came the rain and washed the spider out"
With no glance at the small hand on the clock
Or the figure beneath it
Keeping watch above the N
A rejected little shadow
In vivid conversation with
Moon-colored strands tangling with intention
In sacred dance with
An unexpected wizard
Keeping watch with content
With a glance at the rascal spinning the clock
"Out came the sun and dried up all the rain"
A banjo in his bare arms
Frank as the holes in his sun bleached jeans
Brows turned in, a grown-man's hymn to another creature on a thread
An eye to the downtown entry
He pokes at the brim of his overturned cap
No treasures today fill its fraying suede
Smelling of whisky and sunflower seeds
His old girl's dark wood winks as he weaves in fine strokes
Reflecting silvery threads above head
Echo as heavy lids rejoin for while they can
Footsteps on the platform, sprinkled throughout
A 12:17 hush, grey with the shadow of drooping haste
To catch the night before it breaks
And the route begins again
Pierced by a whisper, "Tomorrow, my brother"
Softly softly
Photo by Nicolas Picard on Unsplash
I like the contrast parallel between "Pierced by a roar" and "Pierced by a whisper." I also really like "Keeping watch above the N A rejected little figure ." The imagery is amazing throughout this poem! As I read through the words, I imagine myself experiencing or dreaming what's going on. That being said, I want to know more about this "brother." Why does he have a place in this poem?
ReplyDeleteTo me, this read like a very fast movie with different flashes of different eloquent scenes. I am not sure how they all fit together, or why the song is running throughout, but I am still interested. I imagined a train station, or some place that is constantly changing, as the setting you imagines. I could be very off, but your images were nice and strong and painted a clear picture in my head
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ReplyDeleteThis poem has really lovely imagery—and a calm, almost dreamlike quality.
When I first read it I was confused how the images come together, but now I think it is about a homeless? man on a subway platform watching a spider sitting on a clock weaving a web--feeling kinship to this spider--which no one else in the station notices.
I love the specificity of “11:35" and "12:17,” as well as the parallel of "eastern entry" "western entry."
I wasn't sure what "doors rejoin hands" meant--something to do with the doors on a train closing?
"N" as in the N train?
Maybe simplify to "smell of cigarettes"—since the smell of cigarettes vs. cigarette butts isn't
(I think) markedly different, and specifying "cigarette butts" starts mixing smell and sight--am I supposed to be smelling the smell of cigarettes, or picturing discarded cigarette butts?
I like the way the third line seems to stretch on--"and"--making us think we will get another smell--but instead it kind of pulls back--"silence again."
"Bear arms"? or "bare arms"? Or the first time it is meant to be "bear" to contrast with "bare" later?
I assume "moon colored strands tangling" and "a sacred dance" describe the spinning of a web? Very beautiful imagery (though I’m not sure if “with intention” adds to the line).
“A grown man's hymn to another lonely creature"--beautiful line--the man with the banjo feels kinship with the spider?
"Eastern entry" "western entry"--sounds almost mythical/dreamlike...but I'm assuming it refers to the entrances/exits to the subway (i.e. such-and-such street, NE corner, SW corner...)—which highlights something that really spoke to me in this poem—the description of a relatively gritty, filthy setting in poetic, dream-like terms—which is also consistent with what is (I think) the message/central image of this poem—the tiny, unnoticed spider weaving a beautiful web, appreciated only by the man with the banjo. (Is the spider a metaphor for the man? Unnoticed, but producing something of beauty…)
This poem is such a beautiful flow of images and you describe them to vividly in only a few words which just lends to your credit as a great poet. My main comment is that these series of images don't seem to have much of a connection. As Shoshy mentioned, it feels like flashes of scenes and i think by either adding a slight running theme or changing the title to the general topic it could give the poem the context that feels a bit lacking right now. Over all I am impressed by your skill yet again.
ReplyDeleteThis poem has a stream of consciousness, dream-like feeling. The images are beautiful. I understood the poem to be describing the scene of a man singing the "itsy bitsy" spider on a subway at night due to the presence of a spider spinning a web (the "clock") right above their heads. This is such an original poem.
ReplyDeleteI had to read the poem a few times to understand this. I did find the narrative confusing at times, but once I read the poem carefully, I understood it.
I understood the "N" as the N train.
"Echo as doors rejoin hands" - lovely way to describe the closing of subway doors.
"Echo as heavy lids rejoin for while they can" - I loved this metaphor of the closing of subways doors at night like the closing of tired eyes. Brilliant.
I loved the imagery of the strands of the spider's web dancing with the wizard, the spider himself. I thought it was fresh, original, exciting, dreamy, magical. Beautiful. That's what happens on subways at night. Spiders rendezvous with their webs :)
All of these original ways of describing interactions reflect your creativity. I am impressed.
The long line in the last stanza seems a bit out of place.
I did catch hints of a symbolic comparison/ metaphor of the spider to a man, aside from the title "spider man". Both are lonely on the train, doing their magic - the singer is singing while the spider is spinning, actions which both exude magic, mystery.
"Tomorrow, my brother" - is this a sort of nod between the man and the spider, as they both continue doing what they do each night?
Overall, I loved this poem. It made me feel like snuggling under the blankets, while listening to the magical dance of the night outside my window.
After a few times through, I got the same impression as some above, that this is a poem about someone in a train station, perhaps an MTA subway, observing a spider and identifying it. That's a splendid scene for a poem, as it provides so many oppotunities for meaningful use of figurative language, something this poem mostly does well.
ReplyDeleteFor example, using the clock as a metaphor for the radial spokes of a spiders' web is fresh and interesting, if that is what is going on. I wonder, because I have never seen a spider's web in a train station and wonder how the web would survive long enough to finish being created. It's a lovely image, but is it unrealistic?
Of course, being realistic is not always a good thing, but this poem seems to want to be read in those terms, as something real.
Maybe you should do a little more to unite the poem with its own image scheme and also to tone down a couple moments of pity in the poem. For example, In the following line, what if you changed the word "lonely" to "spinning" (as in a spider spinning a web):
Brows turned in, a grown-man's hymn to another lonely creature
I thought the line about subway doors closing would be better as "Echo as doors again lock hands"
Maybe you could do something to relate the strings of the banjo to the strings of the spiders' web.
If this is meant to be a real banjo, then the others above are perhaps wrong about this being a homeless person. It makes more sense that this is a subway busker, wording his trade. Banjos are expensive and fragile, and there is no reason why a homeless person would have one.
Intriguing poem.
I enjoyed reading your descriptive poem.. I almost felt as if I was sitting on the subway watching this spider spin his web..
ReplyDeleteI like the paradox here - "Softly softly Pierced by a roar", it gets the reader wondering what you can be talking about..
I did not quite understand the references in the second stanza..
I loved this line - "Moon-colored strands tangling with intention," that gave a nice spin on describing the spider's web
This line - "A 12:17 hush, grey with the shadow of drooping haste to catch the night before it break" seems a bit heavy and perhaps can be revised
Great job!
Updated:
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Stanza 1: "Echo as doors again lock hands"
Stanza 2: western entry becomes uptown entry; added line "or the figure beneath it"
Stanza 3: "Moon-colored strands tangling" (took out "with intention")
Stanza 4: "...to another creature on a thread"
Stanza 5: new stanza
Stanza 6: separated lines 3 and 4
I love the imagery here- but I have to be honest, I initially had no clue what was being said. It seemed kind of like Shoshy said- and LSD induced dream sequence of flashing images. At first I thought thats what it was.
ReplyDeleteWith the help of Gabriellas reading, I feel like I have more clarity and the brilliant parts of this poem are starting to fall into place- but I still feel like there could be more clarity. Maybe go line by line as an outsider and check to see if you can find anything that you think is a stretch, metaphor-wise.
That being said, you always deliver gorgeous imagery. "Echo as doors again lock hands" is perhaps the most creative way I have ever heard someone say "and the doors closed". I see heavy lidded eyes and sleep coming embedded in the metaphors you chose. You clearly have no problem being descriptive, and your imaginative is vast and pretty darn unbridled- just make sure we can follow you on the awesome crazy journeys you embark on in your mind. =) As much as I followed, I really loved!!