Erosion
Don’t try to open an aerosol can.
it says so in bold black letters.
but there’s something intriguing about
so much packed
so much packed
in a small space,
and the control with which it’s freed
into the atmosphere
into the atmosphere
but only one spray, then the finger jerks back.
I keep the cap on mine.
She tried to take it from my locker,
open it, she pleaded,
you know instructions are pretense
trust me, she blinked, eyes not dark but cloudy
I told her she could take a look,
but aerosol cans don’t open
especially not mine.
I told her she could hold it.
spray it. But just once.
aerosol cans don’t open.
or perhaps they just don’t close.
There are three ways to get into an aerosol can,
force
I pride myself on graceful resistance
I pride myself on graceful resistance
and slow
grinding erosion
grinding erosion
from the inside
and heat, of course.
I knew she’d get in
Not expecting the deafening boom.
Not expecting the deafening boom.
I really like the obviously measured tone in the poem. It is an intriguing topic that I don't often think about. I think some of the line breaks employed are a little confusing. "so much packed
ReplyDeletein a small space." I don't really understand how separating these 2 lines adds but I could just be missing something. I'm not entirely sure what the poem is a metaphor for but I think the ambiguity is part of what makes it relatable. Letting someone (a friend) into your heart for the first time? Either way, very cool in its complex simplicity.
I love this metaphor poem! It's so clear and controlled, yet so artistic! It's such an apt description of what it's like to dig deep in yourself or to be dug by someone else... been there, done that! My only suggestion would be to see if you could define some abstract words, like "freed" could be released. I love the honest voice that is present in all of your poetry that I've read so far-- can't wait to read more!
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking an ordinary circumstance and making it into art! These are my favorite types of poems. You did not directly outline what this means, so it lets the reader figure it out for herself! My only concern in the last line. It seems a little clunky and I think it would be more effective with less words.
ReplyDeleteLove. The imagery here is forceful- literally- and spectacular. I think you could cut out some words to make it more succinct- particularly "but" in the very last line. I like the ambiguity- it lets the reader toy with his/her own meaning.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this poem too, but I noticed something about the comments above: no one is talking about the metaphor. I sense this is a "controlling metaphor" poem, but it is rather mysterious in terms of the metaphoric meaning. I'm not sure what dangerous thing is discovered by the friend in this poem. I'm also not sure if it matters or not.
ReplyDeleteI am noticing particulars of a style in the two poems you have submitted. Both are quite confident in tone, and both have a fairly light and playful surface, but both of them suggest a serious side as well. This tension between the playful surface and the more important substratum of meaning unites and animates these two poems.
Voice is a strength in both poems. Both seem "voiced" and authentic within their voices. The voiced quality makes them looser, but there are poignant moments and well-employed line breaks that tighten things up at key moments.
It's tricky to edit and improve poems that seem in a natural voice, because one doesn't want to mess up the natural feel to them.
Some poets who write like this mostly get better from poem to poem, rather than by improving already existing poems, while others are able to edit their poems without spoiling the voice and the natural feel. The former have to write a lot of poems to get better, but that is often the best thing, anyway.
I don't know which you are, but I would like to challenge you to write with a little more compression and attention to the sounds of your words. If you could balance those qualities with the ones I just discussed, that would be something I would really want to read.
Updated: shortening/taking causal words out of closing line
ReplyDelete